What a blast at Portland Children’s Museum for our annual Winter Party!  We had over 400 members join in on the fun last night!  Below are a few pictures I took.  If you have pictures you’d like posted on the blog, please send them to blogger@fullhousemoms.com by Wednesday, January 11th. 

Pregnancy / delivery story:

I went in for an ultrasound at ~6 weeks, because my OB wanted to verify the pregnancy.  My husband and I were casually chatting with the ultrasound technician when she found the heartbeat.  We were thrilled!  Then she said, “and here’s another one!”  My heart started racing, I just couldn’t believe it!  My practical (and panicky) brain started racing too.  My first comment was, “how will I go to the grocery store?”  We called our families that day to share the wonderful news, we hadn’t even told them that I was pregnant yet.    My pregnancy was mostly uneventful.  I had to take it really easy after 26 weeks, but was never put on official bed rest.  I was induced at 37 weeks, because baby B did not grow as much as baby A, between the Week ~34 and Week ~36 ultrasounds.

Life before babies (a little info on your occupation, interests, and/or hobbies prior to having kids):

I worked for Intel as an Industrial Engineer, and then as a Strategic Business Analyst, prior to having my boys.  I took an extended leave of absence after they were born, and in the end, decided not to return to work. 

Advice to New Moms:

Give yourself more credit.  What you are doing is very difficult and tiring.  You aren’t always going to feel like you are doing a great job, but you really are and your babies/kids love you for it. 

Favorite things about having multiples:

Seeing and hearing how much fun they have together.

My husband, Darrell, and I have been married for 4 years and our twins Devin and Dane are 3 years old.  I am originally from Texas and Darrell is from Kansas and we’ve been in Oregon since 2007.

How we found out: In the Spring of 2008, we decided that we’d begin trying to start a family. We went to a pre-conception appointment to get some information and pre-natal vitamins. The midwife suggested that we wait a couple months after getting off birth control pills before we started trying – but we were eager so we asked if there were any consequences to not waiting and she said no. I cut out coffee, Darrell cut out soy and started drinking orange juice. We were prepared and apparently created the perfect storm! It was early in the morning, and Darrell was still asleep when I woke him up to show him the positive pregnancy test.

The pregnancy didn’t seem real until we went to our first doctor appointment. The doctor went through all the normal checks, and then preformed an ultrasound. Looking at the screen, his first question was, “Did you guys conceive spontaneously?” We were not sure what he meant, and I said, “No, I knew when I was ovulating.” He replied, “Not what I mean, did you guys use fertility drugs?” Still confused, we replied, “No.”

He looked at the monitor a bit more. At this point the nurse asked Darrell if he wanted to go to the other side of the exam table to get a better look at the monitor. As Darrell moved to the other side of the table to get a better look, the doctor asked me to look at the monitor and tell him what I saw. I looked for a second and then pointed to a white bubble on the screen and said, “Is that it?” (I mean, who can really read those things anyway?)

The doctor chuckled and said, “Yeah, that’s THEM!” It took a second for it to sink in and I bet at the same time, Darrell and I both said, “What? Are you sure?” He said, yeah there they are, you’re having twins! The next 20 minutes were a bit of a blur. We were both weak-in-the-knees and the only thing that Darrell could say was, “WOW, oh Wow!”  We giddily called both our parents to report the big news.

Pregnancy/Delivery story: After the first 10 week appointment everything went well for about the next month or so, until I left for a work trip to Long Beach, CA. At about 15 weeks pregnant, I worked a pretty mild trade show for 2 days and was having dinner with a friend the last evening when I noticed some spotting. I talked myself into the fact that spotting is common and everything was okay until it got worse. I decided that I was not going to the doctor or the hospital without Darrell so I headed to the airport and got on the first flight home. Ironically I sat next to a Doctor on the flight home, but I could not bring myself to tell him what was going on. At this point, I had pretty much convinced myself that I was loosing one of the twins. Darrell picked me up from the airport and we went straight to the ER where they performed an ultrasound and saw both (!) beating hearts.

We were planning a trip to Scotland that following week for Darrell’s 30th Birthday so we had to cancel and I started taking it easy. Then at 24 weeks I started feeling pressure and some twinges (<– that’s the technical term, by the way) so I went in and was put on modified  bed rest due to a shortening cervix. The cervix progressively shortened and I was eventually put on strict bed rest.

I attempted to work from the laptop in bed but it was hard to stay horizontal. Thank God for Fall TV and the DVR. I think I might have been a little blue but for the most part it was exactly what I needed…I slept A LOT. My mom and mother-in-law rotated through from Texas and Boise respectively to help out since going up and down stairs was prohibited and Darrell was working.

At 30 weeks, my in-laws arrived that evening and my mom was due to fly out in the morning when my water broke at 3am. I woke up in disbelieve thinking I had wet the bed. We woke up my mom and she got us to the hospital where they put me on a Magnesium drip and I got steroid shots to help the boy’s lungs.

During the entire pregnancy, Baby A (Devin) had been head down and Baby B (Dane) had been breached. The doctor had warned that this mostly likely meant a C-section – which I was terrified of. As the ultra-sound tech was doing one of the final checks we discovered that Dane had flipped and I didn’t even know it! I guess this meant they were both ready to enter this world. Devin, still to this day our mischievous one, had broken his water and Dane’s was still intact.

On October 18th I labored throughout the day, with the contractions getting closer and closer. Then the nurse arrived and said that it was just the beginning! Not what I wanted to hear. I went ahead and got the epidural, just in case they had to preform an emergency C-section. I was in and out of it throughout the night and then at 6:00am on the 19th I was taken back to the operating room with Devin being delivered at 6:59am and Dane at 7:10am since they had to break his water.

The doctor held each one up for us to see before they were taken back to the NICU.  Darrell went back to see them and I was taken back an hour later after the epidural had worn off enough. It was such an emotional time, seeing your little babies hooked up to all these machines. They stayed in the NICU for 5 weeks and we brought them home on Monday, November 24th.  Life has not been the same since! They turned three this past October and are huge – you’d never know that they were preemies.

We’ve only had a couple of hiccups along the way. Dane had a hemangioma birth mark that burst and had to be taken off and Devin had a hernia that had to be taken care of.  So, they’ve each been through a general surgery AND Darrell and I have a few grey hairs to show for it BUT we know it’s just the beginning of raising BOYS! I chronicled the first two years on our blog.

Occupation: Before becoming a mom, I worked in a couple of hotels and a Destination Marketing Organization as a sales manager. For the most part I enjoyed what I did but really loved being creative more that making sales calls. In the fall of 2009 I decided to stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and try making a living doing what I loved. I went back to school and got my Master Certificate in Internet Marketing and started my company, C*Squared Associates, specializing in small business graphic and web design. Two years later, my best friend and I started another venture, Cherry Jean, specializing in personal design projects.  And because I must be a little bit crazy, I manage the administrative side of a business that we have with my in-laws, Summit Mining & Equipment Inc. The boys go to preschool in the morning and then spend the afternoons with me. Most days I feel like I get to have the best of both worlds and other days I stress about how to get it all done.  And, then there’s the mom guilt about not spending enough time with them and not soaking up every second of them growing up. At the end of the day I usually realize that you can’t have it all, you just make the best of what you have. And what we have is pretty darn great.

Favorite aspect of being a twin mom: Feeling like we won the lottery. I mean the chances are so small that you will have multiples. And we did. Why us? I don’t know… We’re so crazy maybe God knew we’d get bored with one. Or probably the real reason, we’re so competitive that God knew we’d need two to keep those diaper changes and night time feedings fair! It has definitely brought Darrell and I closer – we have to be a team or we’re out numbered. And the other favorite thing is watching the twins and their bond. Never knowing anything without the other – when one’s gone the other one asking with concern where his brother is.

Advice for new moms: Figure out what you need to be happy and do it. It will make you a better mom and that is the best gift that you can give your children. If that means staying home with them or if that means working – own it and don’t feel guilty. The mom guilt that we put on ourselves can be brutal and you don’t deserve it. Being a mom is the hardest job we’ll ever have and we all do the best that we can and that is enough. It will never feel like enough, but just know that it is. Be present, make memories and have fun!

My husband Len and I have been married for 7 years, and our twins Elizabeth and Nicholas are 4 1/2 years old.

How we found out: Getting pregnant was not easy. So when we finally received the word that we were pregnant it was such an amazing feeling. We had an early ultrasound at 6 weeks gestation when we found out that we were having twins. But while that was the good news, the not so good news was that both heartbeats were lower than average and the doctor looked at me and said that it was a 50/50 shot that either baby would survive. I could not believe how unemotional the doctor was in delivering such news, and with tears I asked what I should do. He said that if I was drinking any caffeine that perhaps I should stop, and otherwise I should return in 10 days for a repeat ultrasound. That evening when I came home from work, my husband said he bought me a lunch bag and that I need to eat properly and take better care of myself. He began making lunch for me every day. I called my dad who said that doctors are supposed to just state the facts and that I should not worry…the best thing to do was to just love those babies a little bit extra. After 10 days of intense worry, we heard those tiny hearts beating fast and strong!

Pregnancy/Delivery story: After that initial scare, my first and second trimesters were mostly uneventful. I love to eat and am without a doubt a carb junkie. But during my first trimester the only way to satisfy my appetite was with meat, and I gained 30 pounds. Just before Thanksgiving we went for an early ultrasound at 17 weeks and found out that we were having a boy and a girl. They measured my cervix at 3cm and said that it was closed. Not really fully understanding what any of that meant, I didn’t think anything of it. Somewhere during that second trimester, I also discovered that my blood pressure was slightly higher than normal and my resting heart rate was around 100, which concerned me. But the doctor said that was all quite normal, especially while carrying twins. We went on vacation to Mexico and a month later went to NY and PA to spend Christmas with family. I had not slowed down much and felt great.

We arrived back in OR on December 26. On December 29 I went for an ultrasound growth check. My husband stayed for the abdominal part of the ultrasound, but then left back to work just before they checked my cervix with a vaginal ultrasound. Twenty minutes later I called my husband in tears. I was sent to the hospital – 70% effaced and 1 cm dilated at 24 weeks gestation.

I spent the next 6 weeks in and out of the hospital on full bed rest and as given steroid injections to help the babies’ lungs at 26 weeks. The babies were fine and I was never in active labor. But I was slowly dilating. At 29.5 weeks when I finally felt like we were hitting a safer zone for the babies, I was home when my daughter’s water broke in the middle of the night. Back in the hospital I went, but I only lasted 4 more days. Our babies came into the world at 30 weeks gestation and just over 3 lbs each. Elizabeth was born vaginally and Nicholas by c-section. All the nurses said that they were great size for being born so early…I guess all that meat I ate in the first trimester helped.

Elizabeth and Nicholas stayed in the NICU for over 50 days. They were the most difficult days of my life. They were both on CPAP for breathing assistance for over 1 month, and Nicholas had surgery to close an open duct in his heart when he was 1 month (34 weeks gestational age) old and weighed less than 4 lbs. They finally learned how to eat and came home only a few days apart. Nicholas, who was definitely the sicker baby in the NICU, but had no significant issues at home. Elizabeth suffered from reflux and colic. Feeding schedules were totally out of sync, but we did whatever we needed to do to make it through!

After a very difficult pregnancy and first year, Elizabeth and Nicholas are happy and healthy 4 yr old kiddos who fill our lives with infinite joy (unless they are fist fighting with each other or talking back to mommy and daddy)! They never required any early intervention, and to date have met every developmental milestone. Whew!!

Stephanie Klein Photography

Occupation: Before going on bed rest, I was a process engineer for 12 years at Intel, but never returned to work. When the twins were 18 months, I was lucky enough to find a part time sales position in a similar field, through a family friend. But since I am no longer an engineer in charge of equipment, the demands are much more manageable for me. I love the flexible schedule that allows me to be with the kids as much as possible, while still allowing for some “me time” that I really need.

Favorite aspect of being a twin mom: So many people say that you shouldn’t compare kids. But I think that has been the best part of watching two kids the same age grow up. Their personalities were apparent even as tiny preemies in the NICU. Our kids are so different, yet they are the best of friends.

Advice for new moms: Take time for yourself, in whatever form as long as it gives you the balance that you need. Ask for help, surround yourself with family and friends, and enjoy every day with your children.

My amazing husband Casey and I have been together for a little over 11 years now and we have two and a half year old identical girls, Madden and Taylor.  

How we found out:  Casey and I had two different ultrasounds at 8 and 12 weeks where we were told (quite specifically) that we were having one baby; we still have beautiful ultrasound pictures of our “one” baby.  So I was quite surprised when I went in for genetic testing (ALL BY MYSELF!) at 13 weeks and found out that our one baby was actually two!  The technician had no idea that I didn’t know, and just asked out loud why on earth someone would leave it off my chart that I was carrying twins.  I thought she was joking.  She thought I was joking that I didn’t know already.  It was all very funny (as I’m sure you can imagine).  The upside was being able to process it (ALL BY MYSELF!!) for a good couple hours before I got to shock Casey with the biggest news of our lives.

Pregnancy/Delivery story:  My pregnancy was high risk, complicated, and completely uneventful all at the same time.  Sometime between 18 and 20 weeks we went in to find out the sexes.  On the same day that we found out we were having 2 beautiful girls, we also found out that they were identical, they were sharing a placenta, and they were displaying the alarming signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (long story short – one baby gets way too much amniotic fluid and one baby gets too little…definitely bad for both).  I went on modified bed rest at home at 20 weeks and had ultrasounds twice a week for the rest of my pregnancy.  The girls hovered in these fluid levels where it was bad enough for everyone to be worried about, but never progressed or got worse (thank goodness!!).  But I got to rest a LOT for most of my pregnancy and I also got to see my babies on the big screen ultrasound monitors all the time which was very reassuring!  When all was said and done the TTTS never caused any serious problems and stopped being a concern for everyone once we hit 30 weeks – which was right around the time that I developed preeclampsia. 

I was admitted into the hospital immediately during an ultrasound appointment at 32 weeks only to be released a couple days later, only to come right back to the hospital after one night of being at home.  My blood pressure and protein levels had gotten even worse and I developed a severe migraine that lasted for days.  The girls and I made it as a unit to 33 weeks and 3 days when we all decided we had had enough pregnancy.  So on May 27^th 2009, Taylor Jaylee Knapp was born at 4:50pm weighing 4lbs 5oz., and her sister Madden Marie Knapp was born at 4:52pm weighing 4 lbs 11 oz.  Despite being almost 7 weeks early, the girls were born at very healthy weights and spent 12 days in the NICU simply learning how to eat.  They both caught on to feeding at the same exact time and were released on the same day.  We were very grateful to take two healthy girls home and were very blessed not to have any complications afterwards.

Occupation:  I’m at home full time with the girls but also work a full time job from home doing HR/accounting for Activate Wireless.

Favorite aspect of being a twin mom:  My absolute favorite part of all this has been the fact that I am lucky enough to have two little girls in my life instead of “just one!” As overwhelming as some days can get, I get double the laughs, double the hugs, and double the love…these girls have a special way of making even those super tough days feel like a gift.

As an added bonus, having twins enabled me to join FHM and I’ve gotten the chance to be involved with a group of people that amaze me constantly and who I would never have gotten to be friends with otherwise. 

Advice for new moms:  Go to the monthly meetings!!   No, seriously…try to get involved in FHM as much as you can because you will find a support system of amazing people who can relate to every single thing you say.

photo credit: www.catchlightsNW.com

Going to the meetings just happens to be a great way to meet new people and get out of your house!!  If the topic hasn’t applied to you and the stage you’re in, chances are it will apply in the future so why not take the free information?  And if it doesn’t apply to you because you’ve outgrown that stage, then you probably have a lot to share with a new mom going through it, so why not pass it on? 

Also, do whatever it is you need to do to get you and your family through one more day.

Samantha K.
2011 Meetings Co-coordinator
Mommy to Madden & Taylor, 2 1/2 years old

Pregnancy/birth story: After two failed marriages and an unsuccessful attempt at having a baby on my own via a sperm bank (miscarriage number one), I finally stumbled upon the right guy for me–someone I had known for three years and previously had only thought of as a friend. By the time our relationship was serious enough and he had done enough soul-searching to decide that he really did want children, I was 44, nearing 45. So we went to an infertility clinic in San Francisco, where we lived at the time, and started down the path of trying to have a baby. We knew that at the age of 45, when I started my first cycle, my chance of getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term using my own eggs was less than 1%.

As a result of the infertility drugs, I produced a satisfactory number of eggs for the first cycle, some of which were healthy enough to become fertilized with my husband’s sperm. Four embryos were deemed of high enough quality to transfer into my womb, so we implanted them all. While I did not get pregnant, the results from the cycle (the number of eggs I was able to produce, etc.) were not so negative that the doctor could definitively say that we would NEVER succeed. But still, the odds were dropping with every passing month. After deciding to do a second cycle with my own eggs and preparing to start the course of medications, we (shockingly) discovered I was pregnant–completely on our own. Sadly, that pregnancy ended (miscarriage number two) at nine weeks. By the time I had recovered, physically and emotionally, from that experience, more precious time had passed. I finally came to the conclusion that my wish to have a child surpassed my wish to have a child who had to be genetically related to me. So we decided to investigate the donor egg route.

We used the donor program that operated within the infertility clinic and they promptly gave us access to a website full of young women who were willing to donate their eggs. My husband soon abandoned the task of looking for a donor on the site, as it reminded him of online dating and made him feel guilty, so I took on the task myself of narrowing the field down to a few candidates. There were a number of conventionally beautiful women (in the cheerleader-homecoming-queen kind of way), but I kept gravitating towards a 24-year-old who was attractive, but not in a conventional way; had my build, eye color, and hair color (my real hair color, not the blonde I’ve been since 1985); and was working on her Masters degree. I presented my husband with her and a couple of other candidates, but we settled on my first choice. How does a person make a decision like this? It came down to choosing someone who physically resembled me, someone with an advanced education, no serious medical conditions in her background, and, honestly, someone who said she loved the writing of David Sedaris. That was the clincher.

So this anonymous woman (we were able to view photos of her as an adult and a child, read everything about her and her family’s medical history, her education, her answers to endless questions about why she wanted to be a donor, etc., but chose not to meet her in person) became the answer to our prayers. The clinic synchronized our cycles using medication, so that she would produce lots of eggs and my uterus would be ready to accept the fertilized embryos at exactly the right time. The result was a startling 21 fertilized embryos. They transferred one blastocyst (a five-day-old fertilized embryo, which has a higher rate of survival than a two-day-old embryo) in September of 2008 and put the rest in the freezer. We moved to Portland later that month and, several weeks later, found out that I was NOT pregnant. Devastating.

Since the transfer of unfrozen embryos has a higher rate of success than “defrosted” embryos, I was certain that the universe was trying to tell me that I was not destined be a mother. There were a lot of tears (mine) at that point, more than ever before. Here I was, 45 years old, trying to become a first-time mother when many of my contemporaries were raising teenagers or were already grandmothers. But we decided to persist. Thanksgiving weekend of 2008, we returned to San Francisco and had two embryos transferred. We had had many discussions about the possibility of twins (my husband was nervous about this proposition), but decided that since I was nearing the age of 46 and our goal was to produce > 0 babies, transferring two embryos gave us better odds. Several weeks later, we found out that we were, finally, pregnant. Through blood tests, they determined that we were very likely pregnant with more than one baby.

At six weeks along, we went to a local lab to get an ultrasound, having been referred to the lab by our clinic in San Francisco. We were in a strange limbo period where I was still an infertility patient but not yet pregnant enough to visit an obstetrician. The radiologist delivered some unsettling news. Yes, we were pregnant with twins, but one of the sacs looked misshapen and the other was significantly smaller than the first. I will never forget the radiologist concluding that “there was a serious question mark above each fetus.” I remember going to Walgreens after the appointment with my husband for a prescription and sobbing in the aisle.

Around nine weeks, we went to my obstetrician, who performed another ultrasound. His opinion, after looking at the lab’s ultrasound images and the ones he had just taken, was that the fetuses looked normal and that it had been too early at six weeks to make any kind of a determination. I left that appointment elated!

As my pregnancy progressed, subsequent obstetrician appointments and ultrasounds gave us more and more confidence that the babies were developing normally. My pregnancy was amazingly normal for being an older mother carrying twins, which turned out to be a boy and a girl. I ate well, worked out with weights and did cardio, as I had been doing for two years previously, throughout the first seven months of my pregnancy. I never had a backache, preterm labor, or many of the issues that moms of multiples experience. Everything went swimmingly, with the exception of being nine months pregnant during the week of 107-degree heat during the summer of 2009 and coming in for a scheduled C-section at 38 weeks with preeclampsia.

The birth experience was wonderful. I was wheeled into the operating room to the sounds of Frank Sinatra singing “Fly Me to the Moon” (our choice) and, while I felt a little strange after the spinal block took effect, I felt generally safe and blissful. The twins were born August 2, 2009: Simone Mae Glickman at 6 pounds, 11 ounces and, one minute later, Gabriel Marlow Glickman at 5 pounds, 8 ounces.

Life with multiples: I used to be a type A perfectionist with unreasonable expectations about people, places, things, and really, all aspects of life. Now I am a reformed type A perfectionist who has learned to have low or no expectations about anything. “Muddling through” is the best way I can describe it. It helps to say things like, “Well, no one has thrown up on this vacation–so far” or “They’re in fantastic moods—for now.” The truth is that I love them so much that any form of self-transformation or self-sacrifice seems reasonable and possible. I would simply do anything for them.

As for how it is to be an older mom, I can say that it’s great so far. An older gentleman in a Denny’s somewhere in southern Oregon did ask me if the twins were mine, followed by a mumbled explanation about how “these days grandparents often take their kids out.” I know it’s only the beginning of such comments. I just try to be the most loving mom I can be and take care of myself so that I can be in the best mental and physical shape possible.

Hobbies: I quit my job as a technical publications manager shortly before we left the Bay Area in 2008 and have not gone back to work. My hobbies are working out with weights (my husband says this isn’t a hobby, but it’s something I devote at least four hours a week to, so I’ve decided he’s wrong), reading when I have the energy, and scheming about how I’m going to return to work on the novel that I started before the twins were born.

Advice for new moms: If you’re a stay-at-home mom and can afford part-time help, even if it’s only a few hours a week, go for it! We hired doulas for a few hours a week during the first six months and have had part-time nannies since then. Having a break from the kids allows me to take care of myself and come back to the twins with more patience, a greater ability to focus on them, and more energy.

Stephanie S.
2011 Resale Coordinator
Mommy to Simone and Gabriel (8/2/09)

My name is Lori K.  I have been serving on the board for almost two years now.  This year I am in charge of new membership.

I have three year old identical boys, Jake and Tyler.  They are amazingly busy, fast, loud, destructive and lovable. 

How we found out:  My husband has always wanted identical boys.  We went in for an early ultrasound, around the six week mark.  I was extremely nervous, as we have recently suffered through a miscarriage.  I just wanted to see that one beautiful heart beating.  The u/s tech showed us the little beating heart and my husband said, “Are you sure there is just one?  Are you sure there aren’t two in there” He repeated these statements a couple times during the u/s.  Finally when she had finished all the measurements of the little one, she said, “Oh wait, what’s up here in the corner?  Yes, you are right, there are two in there!”  I started laughing and could not believe it.  We were so excited.

Pregnancy/Delivery story:  My pregnancy was considered high risk since the boys were sharing a placenta.  We had growth u/s every two weeks.  The boys continued to grow at an even rate.  I was put on modified bed rest at 26 weeks because I was contracting so much.  At about 33 weeks I started swelling.  The last 10 days of my pregnancy, I gained over 25 pounds.  I was induced at 35w2d.  The boys were both head down, but that night, baby B, flipped breach, so I opted for the C-section the next morning.  Tyler was born weighing 5lbs, 9oz and only needed to spend one day in the NICU.  Jake was born a full pound bigger and had to stay in the NICU for 10 days.

Favorite aspect of being a twin Mom:  Knowing that they will always have that best friend, throughout their early years and hopefully when they are grown.

Occupation:  SAHM and owner of Strider Bike USA.  I sell Strider bikes from my home.

Advice for new Moms:  Go with the flow.  Whatever works for you, is best.  Listen to all the advice, but know that you don’t have to use all of it!  Enjoy them when they aren’t mobile!

Lori K.
2011 New Membership
Mommy to Jake & Tyler, age 3

Today’s party was definitely full of fun!  A huge thank you to our Social Team for putting this together.  And my children can’t thank you enough for the pumpkin to draw on.  Yes, I think they asked me at least 50 times (no exaggeration, of course) if they could color their pumpkin when we got home.

Hoffman Family Farms in Canby officially opens on October 7th, but hosts parties like ours before then.   Although a few of the usual attractions were not yet open (hay maze, reptile haunted house, and rides), we were still able to experience quite a bit:  The inflatable bouncy house, slide, and obstacle course;  carefully feeding the goats, alpacas, and sheep;  a very bumpy tractor ride around the property;  having professional pictures taken;  viewing wild animals, including a lion and a tiger!;  chowing down on a variety of delicious homemade chili;  admiring cute little ones dressed up in costumes;  eating Good Old Larry’s Kettle Corn;  and last, but certainly not least, choosing a small pumpkin to take home.

Happy Fall, Y’all!  And thanks for attending our 2011 Fall Party!

Choosing and Having an In-Home Care Provider: a 6 step process
 

Step 6: The Relationship and Saying Goodbye

The Relationship

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”

As with many other things, this maxim applies well to a healthy care-provider/care-receiver relationship.  Having someone daily in your home is a very intimate thing.  They may see you early in the morning when you haven’t had time to compose yourself, or may see you at the end of a very stressful day when you may be a bit short tempered.  If you are receiving care during the early postpartum period they may witness you experiencing a whole gambit of emotions and amidst a very intense time of change, they may be with you during the intimate act of breastfeeding or counseling your child; given the nature of providing care in your home an in-home care provider may be witness to otherwise private moments between you and your family.  In some cases this involvement in intimate moments of the day may serve to strengthen your bond with your care provider.  In other cases it may create feelings of being invaded or exposed.  Should you, at any time, feel as if a private moment has been interrupted by the presence of your in-home care provider, or feel a sense of invasion address this feeling immediately.  When working in someone’s home the line of privacy can often be very vague and every family is different in regards to how they function around an outside person, even the most tenured in-home care provider can unintentionally step on toes.  Here are a few preventative steps which may help to secure your own lines of privacy and security:

Define space: if there are any rooms in the house you would rather not be entered be sure to keep the doors closed and communicate your wishes.  If your child generally naps in your bedroom but you would rather not have your bedroom entered consider changing your child’s nap space prior to beginning in-home care.

Schedule carefully:  if you find you are embarrassed to be caught in your pajamas or if the arrival of your care provider seems to be interrupting or adding chaos to a daily transition such as getting an older child ready for school, politely request that your care provider arrive a bit later. Some care providers may, out of courtesy, arrive 15 minutes early so as to provide transition time, if you have calculated transition time into your required start time communicate this and request that they arrive no sooner than the agreed start time.  Contrarily if they are quick to leave upon your arrival and you would prefer they stay for a while to chat about your child’s day, schedule to arrive home before your agreed conclusion time or ask to extend your agreed upon conclusion time.  Often care-providers may be serving more than one family in a day or may have a personal appointment, always remember to be as respectful of their personal time as you expect them to be of yours.

Communicate personal levels of privacy: if you are, in general, a private person, communicate this clearly with your care provider.  Many women find that when nursing privacy goes out the window, to reserve your private times consider delegating tasks during nursing times such as asking your care-provider to prepare a meal or help with family laundry in another room.  Be clear that you prefer they knock and announce their presence or wait for your invitation before entering a room you may be nursing in.

In all of this communication is the key, every family has their own unique patterns and preferences which have been created and maintained for a long time, having a stranger participate in your family’s daily life may bring light to behaviors and patterns you may not have even been aware of.  Never be uncomfortable about communicating any small problem and try to avoid assuming that with time the care-provider will figure things out on their own.  Take the initiative because after all, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Saying Goodbye

If you have to unexpectedly end care refer to the agreed upon arrangements in your contract, there is a reason why you talked over them in the beginning.  Maybe you unexpectedly lost your job, or perhaps the care-provider just isn’t working out for you, maybe upon returning to work you find you’ve changed your mind and would rather return to being a stay-at-home parent, or a preferred care option has come up such as a relative moving into town.  Whatever the reason, respect the agreement made with your care-provider.  In most cases any early termination of service requires a 2-week notice or an agreed upon compensation.  By having previously made arrangements for any unexpected changes you have, hopefully, avoided any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.  Be clear about your reasons, fulfill your agreement and perhaps offer to write a letter of recommendation or serve as a reference.  Realize than an abrupt change in care will also affect your child, prepare for any transition such as having a transition week where care is shared between your previous and new care providers, or schedule time for the family member  to provide care along side your previous care-provider.  Do what you can to respect that a relationship has been formed between your child and the care-provider and saying goodbye may be difficult for all involved regardless of the circumstances.

If your relationship has been positive and healthy and has run it’s natural course you may feel like your family and your children are losing a close friend.  While your care-provider may no longer be a part of your daily family life it is still possible to maintain a relationship, perhaps schedule date nights when your previous nanny or mother’s helper can spend an evening with your children; invite your previous care-provider to birthday parties or other celebrations; if your relationship has ended due to a move, start up a pen-pal relationship.  This change may be the first of many for your child so work with your care-provider to form a plan on how everyone will work together to help this saying goodbye be smooth for your child.

See Steps 1-5 here:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5

About the author

Celina Wigle is a Postpartum Doula and Infant Multiples Relief Nanny.  Since 2000 she has provided care for over 60 families as a nanny, babysitter, mother’s helper, teacher, and doula.  She received a degree in writing from PSU in 2006.  More about her background and services can be viewed at www.celinawigle.com

Choosing and Having an In-Home Care Provider: a 6 step process

Step 5: The contract and business side of things

When eliciting the services of an in-home care provider it is always advisable to have a contract regardless of your relation to them, how many or few hours they may be providing you service, or how smoothly your previous interactions have been.  Some families I have worked with in the past have voiced the opinion that a contract takes a comfortable friendly relationship to a cold and professional level and have felt uncomfortable with the idea of having a contract.  Others have felt that it suggests an atmosphere of distrust.  To these concerns I state the following: paying someone to take care of your children IS a professional relationship, even if it is a family member, close friend, or a long known neighbor, they are providing a service and you are compensating them for it.  As to the notion of creating an atmosphere of distrust, it has been my experience that by taking the time to discuss the what-ifs and voice expectations and concerns and together composing a contract that trust is in fact built, rather than destroyed.    

A very basic in-home care provider contract will include the following:

• Job description: use this space to discuss specifically what you expect your care provider to do and what limitations you prefer.  Your care provider may communicate that they prefer not to be responsible for laundry or housecleaning which is not directly related to the care of your child or perhaps you prefer that the care provider refrain from household chores so as not to distract from the care of your child.  Make time to openly discuss with your care provider what your expectations are and what responsibilities they are accustomed to handling.
• Compensation agreement:  clearly communicate your agreed upon rate, your payment plan (daily, every two weeks, on a specific date each month, etc.), and how payment will be made (cash, direct deposit, check, etc.).  Also take this time to communicate your plan in the event of missed care days by either party.  Will you provide compensation for time when you are taking a family holiday?  Are you providing compensated sick or holiday time? Take this time also to discuss how taxes will be handled; some in-home care providers are registered as self employed and handle their  own taxes and will be able to provide you with a service receipt, for others you will take on the same responsibilities as any other employer.
• Duration of service: if, in the case of a long term nanny, babysitter, or mother’s helper, you do not know when you will be discontinuing services, have a contract renegotiation date set for 3, 6, or 12 months following the start date.  It may be that your needs will change or your service provider may wish to make a change or two to your arrangement, this predetermined time will create a time and space for these topics to be discussed. If you wish to continue services it is simply a matter of reprinting your previous contract with a new date range. Be sure to include a clause and plan of action if either party should need or desire to discontinue care.

When composing a contract be prepared to go through a few drafts before all topics have been clearly stated and agreed upon. Many basic nanny contracts can be found on the internet.  I would suggest looking over several examples and composing your own based on the examples rather than downloading a standard which may not be tailored well to your particular needs.  If you are hiring a nanny from an agency or a postpartum doula they will typically have a basic service contract which specifics can then be added to.  Once a contract has been composed and agreed upon by all parties, print enough copies so that each party can retain a signed hard copy for their personal records.

A clear and well composed contract can be the starting point for a long and healthy family/care provider relationship so do some research, perhaps seek the advice of other parents who have composed contracts, and take your time.

The following are links to a few examples which can be found on the internet:

http://www.childcarebackground.com/documents/NannySampleWorkAgreement-CBRC_000.pdf

http://www.sittersservice.com/providers/_docs/sample_nanny_contract.pdf

http://newmomnetwork.com/index_files/Resources.htm

Next week’s article will be the sixth and final in this six part series on choosing and having an in-home care provider.

Return next week for Step 6: The Relationship and Saying Goodbye.

About the author

Celina Wigle is a Postpartum Doula and Infant Multiples Relief Nanny.  Since 2000 she has provided care for over 60 families as a nanny, babysitter, mother’s helper, teacher, and doula.  She received a  degree in writing from PSU in 2006.  More about her background and services can be viewed at www.celinawigle.com