August 2011

Meet the Board: Eve D.

by Kim S on August 31, 2011

Pregnancy Experience:
I had been trying to get pregnant for 7 years and was starting to have some infertility tests to see why. Not very far into this process though I discovered I was finally pregnant and with twins! In the beginning, it seemed that a lot of things were going wrong.

At 10 ½ weeks I had some spotting, an ultrasound show the placenta was completely covering the cervix. In that same ultrasound they could not find a dividing membrane so they said the twins were monodygotic (Identical) and momoamniotic (also called mo/mo or in the same amniotic sack). This only happened in 1% of ID twins and they told me my babies were in grave danger of cord entanglement. I couldn’t believe after all this years that I just find out I was going to have two babies and might lose one or both. Thankfully, I had an amino at 15 weeks where they discovered they were really in two sacks. At my next doctor appointment my blood pressure was high. My doctor said it seemed I was having almost every problem you could have. At 24 weeks another ultrasound thankfully showed the placenta had migrated and was in a very favorable place and my blood pressure normalized but I flunked the first diabetic screening! Thankfully I passed the fasting test and no more problems arised for the rest of the pregnancy, whew!

When I went in for my 35-week checkup my doctor said he was actually going to let me labor and not schedule a C-section because they were both head down and everything else looked good. Three days later, after twelve hours of labor my girls were born, healthy and happy. We were all sent home after two days and then the fun began.

I can’t believe that was now over 11 years ago and my babies start middle school in the fall.

Favorite aspect of having multiples: They do always have a playmate even though that comes with conflict.

Occupation: Tax consultant for 15 years, self-employed for the last 11.

Hobbies: For the last two years we have enjoyed camping with our trailer.

Advice for new moms: Make time for yourself and time for you and your partner without kids. You are better parents when you do that!

Eve D.
2011 Brunches Co-Coordinator
MOM to Samantha & Sarah, 11 years old
Stepmom to Marissa & Grandmother to Izzy, 2 years old

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Choosing & Having an In-Home Care Provider: Step 3

by Kim S on August 31, 2011

Choosing and Having an In-Home Care Provider: a 6 step process

Step 3: Interview Tips

Once you’ve put the word out into your community, posted an ad, or have collected a handful of recommended providers to contact, you then must first stop and gather your thoughts on how best to conduct the interview. The following are guidelines and suggestions regarding method and place, more specific lists of questions and tips can be found following the links at the end of this article.

The Phone Interview
In most cases you will communicate initially via phone with a potential in-home care provider. It may seem unnecessary but it is well worth your time to first go through your basic job description requirements: are they able to start when you need them to; do they have all the credentials you require such as a background check or CPR certification; do they in fact have a car if one is required; etc. If you have not communicated a specific rate you are expecting to pay ask them what they charge, if you feel it is too much for you suggest what you can afford or had budgeted, or clearly and politely state they are out of your budget, thank them for their time and end your communication. Clearly communicate if you are deciding between a few candidates. It is not the candidate’s business to know who else you are considering and why, it is just respectful to let them know where you are in your deciding process and give them a definitive time of communication such as, “thank you for taking the time to speak over the phone, we have a few potential candidates and will make our final decision on Friday”. Be specific with the day and method of communication (phone or email) and try to take less than a week, if you need more time let them know the day or before they day they are expecting to hear from you and realize they may accept another job or may reject a potential job offer if they are waiting for you.

While conducting a phone interview with a potential candidate key into more than just their words: do they communicate clearly; are they using proper grammar; do their word choice, tone, and inflection communicate a professional, caring and respectful personality? Go with your gut on this factor, if something just doesn’t feel right trust that feeling.

The Face-to-Face Interview
If, after the phone interview, you are further interested in this candidate schedule a face-to-face interview. A face-to-face interview may not necessarily need to take place in your home, many nanny, babysitter, and mother’s helper interviews are conducted at parks where your children may play while you conduct the interview and you are able to observe the care provider interact with your child and other children and maintain the privacy of your home; yes, ultimately you will be inviting a stranger into your home and your family, but you don’t have to do it immediately. If you are a very busy person and home is often hectic set aside a morning or afternoon and schedule a few interviews back to back at a local cafe, just be sure to communicate that there will be other candidates so that potential candidates can be prepared to communicate their qualities and attributes in a more structured time frame. Ask that the candidate bring proof of certifications and at least three references to leave with you.

Depending on your time frame between the phone and the face-to-face interview you may ask that they email their references and you can contact their references ahead of time and be that much more prepared. When interviewing candidates which have been recommended by friends consider what their childcare needs were in relation to what your needs are and any differences in your parenting styles; a perfect match for them may not be a perfect match for you so be prepared to conduct a standard and thorough interview with every potential candidate and consider your friend’s recommendation as one reference amidst others.

Having your child present during an interview gives you the benefit of observing the potential care provider interacting with your child but on the other hand may serve distracting leaving you with a long list of unanswered questions when the interview ends due to time constraints or your child’s needs. Some parents have scheduled interviews around their child’s nap time or bed time when two parents are present allowing one to put the child/children to bed after meeting the candidate for a short time or waking to meet the candidate. Other parents have chosen to conduct the interview at a park or kid friendly cafe where the child can come and go creating pockets of time for professional conversation. Some parents have chosen to conduct the initial face-to-face interview while their child is not present and schedule a secondary interview/play-date with the child. Your child’s temperament and daily rhythm should help in determining the best option for you and your family.

A Bit About Background Checks
If you are conducting the interview in your home you may wish to conduct or confirm their background check prior to opening your door to them. All in-home care providers should be prepared for a background check. If the care provider you are considering has past experience in a preschool or after school program in Oregon they will have had to go through a basic background check and will be registered with the Central Background Registry, sometimes known as the Oregon Criminal History Registry. They will have a letter of compliance which you can ask to view or you can confirm their enrolment by contacting the child care division of the Oregon Employment Department (www.oregon.gov/EMPLOY/CCD/about_us.shtml). It is acceptable to request an emailed or photocopied version of their documentation (background check, driver’s license, etc.) for your records; it is also acceptable for a care provider to feel uncomfortable sharing their personal information.

With the recent rise in identity theft some providers may not feel comfortable sharing their SSN and may feel uncomfortable leaving copies of their legal documentation in a relative stranger’s home; this may be resolved by letting them know that you will keep the information in a locked file cabinet or will shred their SSN after receiving the information you require or perhaps you can compromise, ask them to bring their documentation to view and accept it’s authenticity without needing to keep it in your records. The sharing of private information can be very touchy so approach this pragmatically and with respect rather than suspicion. For more information on background checks ehow has a helpful article with useful links located here:

www.ehow.com/how_2090709_do-background-check-babysitter.html

For more interview guidelines and sample question sheets check out these links:

http://www.4nanny.com/interview_questions.shtml

http://www.childcarebackground.com/documents/SampleInterviewQuestions_000.pdf

http://www.dona.org/PDF/QuestionsToAskADoula.pdf

Next week’s article will be the fourth in this 6 part series on choosing and having an in-home care provider.

Return next week for Step 4: The Trial Period.
Step 1: Who are you searching for?
Step 2: Where to look and the search

About the author

Celina Wigle is a Postpartum Doula and Infant Multiples Relief Nanny. Since 2000 she has provided care for over 60 families as a nanny, babysitter, mother’s helper, teacher, and doula. She received a degree in writing from PSU in 2006. More about her background and services can be viewed at www.celinawigle.com

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Choosing & Having an In-Home Care Provider: Step 2

by Kim S on August 25, 2011

Choosing and Having an In-Home Care Provider: a 6 step process

Step 2: Where to look and the search

Once you have determined which sort of care provider you are looking for it is time to begin looking.

You can start by writing an ad, even if you don’t plan on posting a formal advertisement, writing down what and who you are looking for will help make things clear, if later you decide to post an ad or are using a referral service you will have your needs already written down and ready to post or share. On the other hand you may consider writing a list of what you don’t want; feel free to be honest with this list since only you will see it. If you are in a parenting team make time to go over your needs together. If your child or children are of speaking age get their input, your 2 year-old may ask for a mermaid in which case you’ll have to make room for disappointment but on the other hand that request can be interpreted as a wish for someone with a familiarity with folklore and children’s literature which is valid search criteria.

When making either list, consider questions such as:

Would you prefer that your care provider be of the same faith or nationality as your family?
Are you open to the idea of a manny (male nanny) or male babysitter?
Are there factors you would be willing to work around for the right candidate such as making a few schedule changes, postponing your care start date, or hiring a cycle commuter when you had originally wanted someone with a driver’s license?
Are you open to the idea of a care provider bringing their own child? If you are open to that, do you prefer their child be the same age as your own?
Considering that in Portland many rely on bicycle and Trimet for transportation, if your home is inaccessible by bus or bike would you be willing to work around your caregiver’s transportation needs or do you require that they have their own transportation?
How much are you willing to spend? You don’t have to know a specific hourly rate, just have an idea ahead of time of what your cap is.
If you are searching for a postpartum doula do you prefer that they be certified through a specific organization such as CAPPA (Childbirth And Postpartum Professional Association) or DONA?
If a care provider is uncomfortable with large dogs would you be willing to take Fido to doggy daycare during care time?

The more specific your job description and search criteria, the less time you will spend screening and interviewing candidates who may not meet your needs.

Ok, you now know exactly who you are looking for, what you want them to do, how much you can afford to spend, and when you want them to start, amongst many other facts regarding your potential in-home care provider; now to get the word out.

Babysitters, nannies, and mother’s helpers can be found in your community by word of mouth, local ad postings on community boards, via online sites such as craigslist.org, sittercity.com, or care.com, or through a local nanny agency which can be found by a simple google search. The benefit of using a nanny agency or care provider search website is that these organized communities offer screening services and background checks (more about background checks in next week’s article). Postpartum doulas and collectives will post service information at birthing centers and baby/mama boutiques as well as other community spaces. CAPPA and DONA certified postpartum doulas in your area can be found through the organization websites.

I have known families to write an ad and email it to past nannies, sitters, and other parents as a means of searching within their network. Consider also parks, libraries, and other community areas. Most reputable nannies are snatched up the moment they become available so don’t be afraid to strike conversation with a nanny you may see regularly at a park or other community area, she or he may be becoming available soon or may know a nanny who is searching; just be careful to respect that they are working and their first priority is the care of the child they are working with. Some families have found it beneficial to create a calling card to easily share their contact information in the chance that they meet the perfect caregiver in line at the grocery store or at a restaurant; it never hurts to be prepared.

Next week’s article will be the third in this 6 part series on choosing and having an in-home care provider.

Return next week for Step 3: Interviewing
Read last week’s Step 1: Who are you searching for?

Works Consulted:
Sears, William M.D. & Martha R.N.. The Baby Book. New York: Little Brown & Company, 1993.

About the author

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Monthly Meeting Recap: Twins Panel

by Kim S on August 19, 2011

The Twins Panel tonight was fantastic, especially for those of us with identical twins. All three pairs introduced themselves as “we’ve never been tested, but we believe we’re identical,” which I personally found very interesting. I usually hear the opposite when I’ve encountered what I think are identical twins. Like the Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, most twins I’ve encountered say that they are fraternal because they had separate sacks, which those of us with identical twins know is not the determining factor. A discussion for another post . . . (And perhaps the Olsen twins have taken a genetic test. Who am I to say or know?)

What did you take away from tonight’s panel? I thought Chris and Richard’s recollection of having to dress in identical outfits, except for their names embroidered on the front, was hilarious. For Christmas one year, my very loving MIL gave all three of my boys white turtlenecks with their names embroidered in red, which they did wear. Once. For a picture. For her.

A huge thank you to all of our panel guests! We truly appreciate your insight.

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Choosing & Having an In-Home Care Provider: Step 1

by Kim S on August 17, 2011

(The following article is the first of a six step process from Celina Wigle, Postpartum Doula and Infant Multiples Relief Nanny. One step will be discussed each week for the following six weeks. Please post comments or questions below that you may have for Celina or visit her website: www.celinawigle.com.)

Choosing and Having an In-Home Care Provider: a 6 step process

Step 1: Who are you searching for?

The first step in searching for a care provider is to think about what sort of care you need. Depending on the age of your child, the hours of care you will need per week, and your proximity while receiving care you may need a babysitter, a full or part-time nanny, a mother’s helper, or possibly a postpartum doula.

The following are general job descriptions for each form of care provider.

Babysitter

A babysitter’s services are utilized generally on an on-call basis. The implications of a babysitter’s services include entertaining and providing basic care needs such as serving a simple meal or two, putting to bed, changing diapers or helping with the potty in the absence of the parent, essentially holding the fort down while you step out for a while.

Cost*: $8.50-$15 per hour depending on number of children, expected duties, and experience

Nanny

While a nanny also provides basic care needs the services of a nanny far extend beyond the basic. A nanny’s services generally include incorporating educational intentions and goals into play activities with any age of group and working with the parents towards certain behavioral goals such as chores and manners. In younger care cases an infant nanny will be able to help with sleep training and the introduction of new foods and monitoring a baby’s needs while providing or making arrangements for the next developmental step. The goals of a nanny usually include maintaining and contributing educated insight into positive behavioral patterns in both the child and family. A nanny is a part of the family unit working regularly and intimately with family members towards cohesive care.

Cost: $12-$25 per hour depending on number of children, expected duties, and experience

Mother’s Helper

In the case of both a nanny and a babysitter there is an assumption that care may or may not be provided in the absence of the parent. If you will be home during the time in which you are searching to hire an alternative care provider you may consider hiring a mother’s helper. A mother’s helper often fills the role for a stay-at-home parent that a secretary may fill for a business professional. A mother’s helper may run a few errands for you or help with family meal prep or help with household chores. Their role is to function as an extra pair of hands so you have more time and energy to direct towards parenting. A mother’s helper may have experience with children but perhaps not as much as a nanny, they may be working towards becoming a nanny or another form of care-provider, in any case it is assumed that your attention will be on your child or children and their job is to help you, not necessarily to babysit.

Cost: $8.50-$10 per hour depending on expected duties and experience

Postpartum Doula

A postpartum doula is another form of mom-centered in-home care provider. A postpartum doula provides physical and emotional support for new moms and new families. Her first and primary responsibility is the new mother and whatever needs to be done to nurture the bond between the new mother and baby, whether that be helping the mother with a load of laundry or light cleaning, or just listening and offer a voice of experience. A postpartum doula will have knowledge of breastfeeding and baby care but is not to be confused with the advice and information provided by a medical practitioner. Postpartum doulas provide care within the newborn phase, at 3 months of age arrangements for alternative care should be made.

Cost: $20-$25 per hour depending on experience

*Costs are based on 2011 minimum wage and average costs for services in Portland, OR.

Next week’s article will be the second in this six part series on choosing and having an in-home care provider.
Return next week for Step 2: Where to Look.

About the author:

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Tuesday Q: Screen Time

by Kim S on August 17, 2011

How many hours of TV/computer/video games are your children allowed to watch?

These cuties have obviously put a lot of screen time in to develop these moves, but at least they’re getting lots of exercise, right? (Wish I could say the same about mine.) This video will get your kiddos up and moving in no time: Kung Fu Fighting Twins

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Forum Chat: Suggestions/Ideas on Being a Twin in School

by Kim S on August 10, 2011

(The following is from a forum topic started on our member site. Please feel free to add to this discussion below or on the forum in Big Tent if you are a member.)

Suggestions/Ideas for Being a Twin in School:

So we’ve recently been looking into early pre-school/day care options for my 2 year old girls since my job is changing a little bit. Trying to find a great spot for 1 or 2 mornings a week (any Beaverton/Hillsboro suggestions would be amazing!)

But my main question is this…I was wondering if you all have any ideas or suggestions on how to keep the twin thing from becoming the main attraction. We’ve only been on one tour so far, and everyone was super nice but they all were like “oh my gosh…twins…look kids, they’re twins!!!”

I’m pretty sensitive to my girls’ identity being defined soley by being identical twins. We don’t use the term twin at home (they’re just sisters) and at this point they don’t even know what it means to be a twin. I just want them to be looked at as the little people that they are and not always lumped in together with the twin thing. I know it’s not going to happen most of the time, but that’s my hope for them anyway.

Is this a type of thing that goes away once they get settled into a place?

Is this something that you’ve ever brought up with school/daycare/preschool? How’d you go about it? Or am I just thinking too much about stuff that I’m not going to be able to control anyway? (I tend to do that!)

Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated!

I was thinking about this last night. It was a little different situation. The neighbor boys were playing outside and they came over and introduced themselves. The neighbor just recently got married and added 2 more boys to the already 4 that live there. So they introduced themselves as brothers and their names. Cami and Ty introduced themselves as this is my sister and this is my brother. Cami was real cute and put her arm around Ty and said ” This is my brother Ty”, He was slightly embarassed and brushed her arms off, mostly probably because that isn’t a very “dude” thing to do I guess. But never once did they mention that they are twins. I was kind of waiting for it, because everywhere we go they get dropped into that category. However to them we are just brother and sister. It was a neat moment, wish I could of had a video camera.

I think this is hard no matter what way you look at it. From the fraternal twin standpoint, I want to shout from the rooftops that they are twins, so no one assumes Logan is the dumb older brother who got help back in school (he has 3+ inches on Zach, so they don’t look like “twins”).

I think it’s a difficult thing to do with identical twins. They are a rarity, and I think that you have to remember you were blessed. People feel like they need to say something or acknowledge it because it is so “cool”. The girls will go through their life having to figure out how to deal with it, so I think the best think you can do is educate them on how to respond. They might be a little young now, but when they are older, they will have different interests. So, maybe when they are in Kindergarten and someone says are you twins? They can respond with, yes we are sisters. I like to play on the swings and my sister love the slide, do you want to come swing with me (or something that indirectly says they are different people).

Not dressing them the same (even coordinating), or having the same haircuts will help others see them as different people too. The easier it is for others (like little kids) to tell them apart, the easier it will be to treat them as separate people (IMO). If you find a preschool large enough, you could split them up in classes as well…

Enough of my rambling!

So glad you asked this. My identical girls are 4.5 and I’m starting to think (worry/obsess) about kindergarten. They have been in preschool for a year. I was very concerned initially about them being lumped together and kept checking in with their teacher. I tried to stress their individuality, and very quickly the teachers made a point of keeping them separate when talking about them, which eased my fears (i.e., they didn’t talk about them as a unit). Initially, they were very shy and tended to do their work together, wanted to go to the art studio at the same time, etc. After a few months, they really started to become confident, have their own friends, and do their own thing. I cannot believe how much more outgoing and assertive they’ve become.

HOWEVER, some kids still cannot tell them apart, and I’ve noticed some kids call them “twins.” As in “Hi Twins!” Gag, sob. They get asked constantly about being twins (as I am sure yours do) and they are very aware of it now. I definitely agree with you, I don’t want that to define them or make them feel that is why they are special.

I don’t know what the answer is really. I am hoping at one point one will want to have a different hairstyle (they both like it long) right now. However, I do not let them wear the same thing to school (I don’t buy them “matching” things, but there are certain dresses, etc., they both love and want). Recently, they’ve started trying to fool kids and teachers on purpose and think it’s very funny. I guess they should be able to have some fun with it!

Anyway, I think being in the same preschool class (for us) was good. Their teacher pointed out (in our case, I’m not making ANY blanket statements) it didn’t make sense to force them apart and pretend their bond didn’t exist. However, as we get closer to kindergarten, I am seriously thinking about separating them. They constantly compare themselves to each other, and I realize some kids, just like adults, can tell them apart easily, and others just can’t.

Didn’t mean to go on and on. Obviously these things have been on my mind as well!

My girls are fraternal, but they look similar and are often seen as one entity or mixed up. Over the year, teachers, parents, and students have gotten to know the girls individually, and the twin thing is less of a focus. I would be annoyed if their classroom teacher couldn’t tell them apart or didn’t know their personalities, but she’s been amazing. Dressing them differently or doing their hair differently can really help – especially at the beginning. I think that people are genuinely curious about multiples and have their funny/strange questions and comments no matter where you are.

We did have the option of separating the girls, and I’m very glad we didn’t. They’d been together at home for their first 2.5 years, and it didn’t seem right to split them up in a crazy new environment. Their class of 8 students is incredibly close, and I tend to think it’s because of the bond the girls had going in to the school year. They have plenty of together time in class, but they also split up and play in different areas with different kids outside (I’ve also heard that every so often they check in with each other).

I think it will be interesting to ask the older twins at the panel discussion (Aug. 18) if the extra attention from being a twin bugged them or if they even noticed.

Our girls went to pre-k together and will be in the same class in kindergarten this fall. Make sure they dress different as this will help the teachers and other kids. My girls also like their hair different…one ponies and braids…the other just long and flowing…at one point they had very different hair lengths by their choosing.

There was another set of id twins in their class…they are boys and were dressed completely identical down to the glasses. My daughters both shared that nobody could tell the boys apart but they knew which of my girls was who because we have created an environment of individuality at our house.

Their teachers worked really hard not to confuse them and mark their art and photos correctly…and if they made a mistake and discovered it, they apologized!

We have already started conversations with their kinder teacher as we have discovered the best thing to do is help their teachers learn who they are so they can tell them apart and see each girl as she is and what she excels at or enjoys.

We have shared to the girls they are twins but we almost never use that term, they are the little girls in comparing to their older sister. I cringe when others call them “the twins” And if you were to ask them who was born first…their response would be to point to the older sister and say “her”!

Good luck!

Our identical girls are 8 1/2 and heading into 3rd grade. They were together in pre-K, kinder and first grade but chose to try separate classes in 2nd grade and have no preference for 3rd grade so I assume they will be separated. We were also concerned that they not be viewed as a unit but people can’t help but do that, especially when they don’t know who is who. In pre-k, their classmates were so young that the idea of a twin didn’t really mean much to them although they had a hard time telling our girls apart. It was the parents who were flustered because they didn’t want to make a mistake and call them by the wrong name or were just thrilled with the novelty of twins and didn’t try to tell them apart. The pre-k teachers were very good about seeing the two separate girls and rarely mixed them up.

In Kinder and 1st grade, I made a point of styling their hair differently for the first few weeks (one girl always wore pigtails, the other girl kept her hair down) and I didn’t let them wear anything remotely alike in order to give their classmates and teachers a chance to know them as individuals. After a few weeks, I’d let the girls decide what they wanted to wear. Sometimes they “wanted to be twins” (their term) and would dress alike or matching, sometimes they wanted to be individuals and chose different clothing but I left it up to them and that is still the case.

In Kinder, they were used to their classmates guessing who they were, even 3/4 into the school year but their teachers usually knew who they were and so did their close friends. By 1st grade, the kids who had been with them in Kinder would help the new classmates figure out who was who and by 2nd grade, they were in separate classes so it was a piece of cake (except when they had reading and were in the same group, then it was the teachers who weren’t always sure instead of the kids).

The big difference with my girls is that while they are identical, one has always been taller than the other and at this point she has 2″ and 10 lbs on her sister but they do look alike (the size difference due to Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome in utero). It is easy to tell them apart when they are side by side but just a few feet apart makes it a challenge unless you really know them. We (meaning my husband & I) also don’t refer to them as “the twins”, they are always the girls or the kids. Family members don’t use “the twins” term when speaking to us but they do when they speak to anyone but us! I think I worried more about this when my girls were still forming their identities but not so much now. They are similar in temperament but still distinct individuals, enough so that even their classmates see two people and not just a unit.

A funny side note…I was older when I had our girls, hadn’t been in Oregon long and I didn’t know anyone with kids so our girls’ early socializing was only with Moms I had met through FHM and the social activities FHM provided. The first time my girls had a playdate with a singleton, they kept looking around their new friend and finally asked, “Where’s your twin?” To them, they couldn’t fathom not having a twin because every kid they had met until then was a twin.

Wow thank you guys for such great feedback and thoughtful ideas. So much to think about. I think it will continue to be such a fine line for us between encouraging their individuality while at the same time embracing the special twin bond that they have.

I can’t wait to ask the twin panel and get their perspective.

I’m so grateful for this group of people to turn to when I go crazy second guessing everything I’m doing! Thanks again everyone!!

(As a side note from Kim: Our monthly meetings are open to members and prospective members. This month’s meeting on August 18, will feature a Twin Panel with twins from a range in ages addressing your questions. Please sign up to attend on Big Tent if you have not already, or contact meetings@fullhousemoms.com if you are a prospecitve member and would like to attend.)

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